Welcome to Walmart

I’ve always said that if I don’t make it into the Kingdom of Heaven it will be because of Walmart.  I don’t know what it is, but nothing makes me lose my religion faster than walking through those electric doors and hearing the words “Welcome to Walmart”.  I avoid it as if my life depends on it.  I actually think my life may depend on it.  The last time I went to the store by my house was about four years ago. As I was waiting in the ridiculously long line at the deli counter for some smoked turkey, I heard a terrible raucous.  Listening closely I concurred that there seemed to be some kind of turf war going on behind the counter.  It seemed that the deli meat/cheese workers were in a raging battle with the rotisserie chicken workers.  There was a whole lot of hollering and cussing going on behind that counter and with all of the cutting utensils back there I was seriously afraid that someone was going to get hurt.  I did something that I had never done before.  I went and tracked down a manager and told them what was going on.  Later while I was thumping watermelons I noticed that the manager was marching the whole lot of them to the back of the store.  I may have imagined it, but I’m pretty sure everyone of them glared at me when they walked by as if to say “Lady you are going to be drinking your rotisserie chicken through a straw if you ever show your face around these parts again.”  I have taken their imaginary menacing looks to heart and have never returned.

Yesterday I found myself on the opposite side of town.  I needed to pick up some things and the only store around was a Walmart.  Hoping that my picture had not been posted on some employee revenge website, I decided to take my chances and run inside.  All was going surprisingly well.  I found what I was looking for and was almost through the self check out when I heard the strangest noise.  At first, I thought it was a baby screaming, yet a quick glance around told me that there were no babies.  I heard it a second time, only this time it was louder.  It was some sort of loud squeal or cry, yet again, I could not see an obvious source.  By the third time, I had narrowed it down to the lady walking in front of me.  She was an older lady, or at least she appeared to be older.   She had chosen a lovely shade of fire engine red to dye her hair and her pale skin showed that she kept herself out of the sun.  She was wearing lovely pair of daisy dukes and a tank top with an American flag on it.  As I continued to observe, I realized that the sound was not coming from her but from her buggy, however, the only thing in her buggy was a box.  Intrigued, I casually fell in line beside her, trying not to let her see me staring.  The squealing came again, louder this time and more desperate.  It was then that I noticed the box in the buggy shaking a bit.  As I nonchalantly gazed into her cart, I realized it was not a box, but an animal carrier and that a large extremely unhappy cat was along for the ride.  The cat seemed to be getting more and more anxious from the sound of the crying and the shaking of the box.  I was reminded of the scene from “Christmas Vacation” when Aunt Bethany wraps up her cat for a Christmas present and Rusty is holding a shaking squealing gift wrapped box.  The lady began talking to her poor kitty in soft soothing tones, but ole Fluffy was having none of it.  The more the lady talked to her precious cargo, the louder the cat squealed, making it obvious that he shared my feelings about the store.  As we walked out of the store together, I noted that the lady had not purchased a thing, leading me to wonder what exactly had prompted her and fluffy to head to Walmart on this ill fated adventure.  Did she always shop with her cat? Was she on a mission to find the perfect cat accessory and needed his opinion?   I would never know the answers to these questions but as we went our separate ways in the parking lot I caught the eye of the poor creature and we held our gaze for a brief second.  I could see his anger and his unhappiness.  I smiled and quietly muttered, “Welcome to Walmart, dear kitty, welcome to Walmart”.