Throne of Glory

Have you ever been overcome with a sudden urge to break into song? Maybe you find yourself belting out your favorite show tune or Whitney while you are in the shower or at a stoplight? I personally give my best performances while driving by myself on the highway. Recently though, I happened upon a concert of unusual circumstances. I was attending a conference for Christian school teachers in Chicago. The week was full of inspirational singers, speakers, and classes meant to recharge us both mentally and spiritually for the upcoming school year. During a break between sessions I ran to the Ladies Room. I had no sooner closed the stall door when I realized that I was in the middle of someone’s personal inspirational concert. My acute sense of smell informed me that the singer had made herself quite at home in her sound studio and planned on being there awhile. To pass the time, she had decided to sing her favorite hymn to entertain both herself and those around her. She had chosen “We Would See Jesus” as her opening number. Suddenly I realized that I was in a situation in which I did not know proper protocol. Was it rude to attend to my own needs while she was singing? Should I join in on the third stanza? Should all flushes be held until between numbers? Could I request “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing?” I needed to give some serious thought to these questions, however, the three Diet Cokes I had consumed left me with little time to contemplate. As the faceless performer continued to fill the room with praise (among other things) I decided it was best to get out as quickly as possible as not to disrupt others who might be enjoying her experience.

I envy my mystery porcelain performer just a bit. She was so happy and filled with joy (and again…other things) that she could not keep it to herself. I just might have to plan a stall sing along of my own someday. If you happen to be a member of my audience, please feel free to join in or flush to the beat. Just please hold all applause until after you have washed your hands.

Good luck with that…..

     I am not good at remembering appointments. I try to write them down but just end up losing whatever I wrote it down on. I try to put it in my phone, but forget to set the reminders. Because of this, I am a huge fan of the reminder calls. One of my doctors has a rouge robocall that usually will call you 8-10 times reminding you to come in. I could not be happier about that. The other day however, I found my exception. I had gotten a call back from my mammogram saying they needed to do some further tests and I needed to return.  I was not in the least bit worried since this happens almost every year. I set up the appointment and promptly forgot when it was. A day or two before I was set to go in, a friendly young man called to remind me of my upcoming visit. I confirmed that I would be there. In his very nicest voice he says, “Good luck and I hope everything turns out okay.”  “How nice” you might be thinking. I was not thinking that at all!  What did he mean by good luck?  What needed to turn out okay?  What did he know that I didn’t? Suddenly my routine follow up was apperently something I needed luck for in order for it to turn out okay!  What should have been a friendly reminder was now a countdown to impending doom. Now instead of wanting to remember my appointment, I wanted nothing more than forget about it. 

     After the additional tests, I waited there in the exam room for the results. The nurse huddled in the corner ordering a cheese steak with no onions and fries from an unnamed restaurant on the other line. I felt like at some point she should have offered me either some luck or some fries. She did neither. 

     Twenty minutes slowly ticked by until the normal results came in.  Luck was not needed after all.  I think I will go buy myself a calendar and start writing my appointments down and let those friendly reminders go to voice mail from now on. 

Fashion Forward

It’s back to work for many Americans this week after a long vacation and I’m quite sure, like me, many of you stood in the doorway of your closet asking yourself the age old question, “What am I going to wear today?”  My closet is full to overflowing with clothes.  Some are too small,  some are too big, some are uncomfortable and not practical for work, and then there are the five outfits that I manage to wear every week.  I have decided that when designers get to work, they do not have the short, average, middle age, round, mom body in mind. That is why I am bound and determined to make 2017 the year granny fashion comes back in style for those of all ages. I’m not talking about these newfangled grandmas who dress better than I ever hope to. No, I’m talking about the good old fashion shampoo and set grandma. Just hear me out and I know that you will agree.

Shoes

Just look at these!  The SAS is the most sensible shoe ever made.  It’s three most popular colors-white, black, and classy nude- will have you ready to go no matter what you are wearing.  The sassy wedge in the back can take you from the office to the clubs with ease.  Soft, supportive in soles make you feel like you are walking on air.  Throw on a pair of knee high stockings and you are set no matter the occasion.  No more worrying about time consuming pedicures, your unpainted piggies will be safely hidden.

Pants

Never has there been such a practical invention as the no iron twill elastic pant.  They come in three great lengths-Long, capri, and resort. If you are headed into work, black, grey, and taupe are available. For weekends when you want to let lose, you may want to go with the soft denim, or the wide array of pastel colors available in all three lengths.  Think of all the time and money you will save not running to the dry cleaners.  Just wash them and hang them out back to dry and you’re set to go.  Eat too much over the weekend?  No worries, the sturdy elastic expands an extra four inches!  Another plus?  You don’t have to shave above your knees ever again.

Shirts

 Let your true fashion sense show by mixing and matching floral blouses.  Button that baby up, or let it all hang lose by layering over a white t-shirt.  The sturdy cotton blend never needs ironing.  Just think of all the combinations you can make by investing in several of these beauties.  Take the blouse in the picture for example.  You could pair it with white capris one day and then totally fool those at work by wearing with lovely khaki full length pants the following day!  No one will know!  These also fall into the wash and go category so once again, you are saving time and money.

This to me is a no-brainer!  Affordable and comfortable should be the new stilettos and camis.  Who cares if you look 20 years older or are repeatedly mistaken for Ethyl down in payroll.  Never again will you have to squeeze into those skinny jeans or worry about working out those triceps.  So who is with me?  All those in favor, meet me at Sears on Thursday.  I hear they will take off an extra 20% for early birds.  Maybe then we can go grab a bite at the picadilly cafeteria.

They Dance Alone

I am from Orlando.  Like thousands of others in my community I awoke to hear the terrible news that 49 people were dead.  49 people who had left their homes the day before intending to return after a fun night out.  49 people who may have uttered the words “see you soon” or “call me tomorrow”. 49 people who had wanted nothing more than to go out and have fun with their friends.

As many of Americans, I sat and watched the news coverage, unable to turn away from the pictures of the first victims whose names were released.  They were just kids.  They were in their early 20’s.   The interviews with frantic friends and family as they awaited word on their missing loved ones were hard to watch as you tried to imagine what they must be feeling.  These 49 people had moms, dads, friends, and in some cases children.

As the day went by, it became less and less about the 49 and more and more about the issues.  The focus of this shooting is quickly becoming about race, religion, gun control, the election, sexual orientation, and national security.  So many are quickly using this to voice their opinions on these issues.  Don’t get me wrong.  These issues are all important.  Very important.  I have strong opinions, you have strong opinions, I’m sure that each one of the 49 people had strong opinions.  But these people didn’t go to the club last night to be martyrs.  They weren’t prepared to fight and give their life for a cause.  They weren’t there to stand for or against anything.  They went to dance.  For just a few hours, they put aside their jobs, their responsibilities, their worries, and they danced.

So in the days to come, take the time to honor them.  Put aside your fear, your anger, your sadness.  Gather those you love close to you, and for just a few minutes…dance.

Happy New Year!!

Here we are again!  A new year.  A clean slate.  A fresh start.  A blank page in the book of your life.  This is your year….the year you are going to become that world famous blogger, the year you are going to give up caffeine and chocolate and lose the 15 (which has now turned into 25) lbs you have been needing to lose for so long, the year you finally take that 30 minutes a day for yourself.  These are the resolutions I have been making for years with little to no results.  So this year I am changing it up.  I’m going to make a new list of resolutions that I have a better chance of achieving.

1.  Get less sleep-  As my kids get older and their activities get later, I can with full confidence resolve to get less than the 6 1/2 hours of nightly slumber I get now.  

2.  Give up Romantic Comedies entirely-  I have seen two movies in the past two years.  They both had light sabers in them.   I live in a house full of boys and it is safe to say I will be seeing a lot more light sabers and a lot less romantic proposals at the movie theaters.

3.  Become an expert at the “What Stinks?” game- My response time is way to slow when I ask myself this question.  For the survival of all in this household, I need to shave at least 90 seconds off my fastest time.  

4.  Embarrass my children at least once a month- According to the boys, I do this way more often than once a month.  I have let them know that embarrassing them is the one true joy of parenting and I will not be giving it up.  I WILL  be saying “I love you” as they leave for class and asking how their day was in front of their friends.  If they protest, I will walk them to class and hold their hands while crossing the street.  

5.  Eat more chikn- Those cute cows with the signs love me already.  I frequent their drive thru regularly as I rush kids from one activity to the next. I am quite certain I will be able to up these visits significantly as our schedule gets more and more hectic.
So there they are!  My top five resolutions for 2017.  I feel confident I can achieve these.  The year is only hours old and I have already accomplished three of them!  

There’s an App for That

Two weather apps and a radar app told me it was clear outside. As I stood in the doorway watching the rain fall it took me much longer than I care to admit to figure out which one I believed. 

Why I Believe We Should Elect a Teacher for President…

  I just turned off the debates in which ten people tried to convince me they would be the best bet to run the country. The longer I listened the more convinced I became that we should give the job to a teacher. We face issues in our classrooms every day which would allow us to run this country with ease. Here are the issues we are definitely ready to tackle and why.  

1.  Budget- A teacher can manage an entire classroom for a year on $50 and some coupons by finding multiple uses for everything and never wasting anything. 

2.  Health Care- A teacher manages hundreds of health care crises a year with nothing more than Band-Aids, itchy cream, and hugs. 

3.  Fair Trade- We know all about fair trade and we make sure everyone around us understands too. You may not trade your green beans for a donut. Trade must be equal- fruit for fruit, dessert for dessert. 

4.  Dealing with our Enemies- We don’t all have to be friends, but we cannot be unkind to one another. If you can’t play nice you are going to have to play by yourself or go to time out. 

5.  Government Spending- We can’t spend what we don’t have in our classroom budgets. We make the best of what we have. 

6. Helping Those in Need- A teacher always keeps a few extra lunch tickets in her drawer and some crackers in her closet for a student who might be hungry. A teacher also knows she can’t do this for long periods of time without looking for another solution. 

7.  Civil Unity- A teacher can create an environment in her classroom in which all children feel loved, valued,  and accepted regardless of sex, race, or social status.

Want America do be great again?  Elect a teacher. I’m April and I approve this message. 

An Open Letter to Little League parents and Coaches

Dear Little League Parents and Coaches,

This is my third year as a baseball mama so I now consider myself an expert on the dos and don’ts around the field. Here are ten tips to get you through the season….

1.  Don’t buy your son an extra small pair of baseball pants while buying an extra large cup. He should never look as though he could leave a game and head straight to a Magic Mike audition.

2.  Come to the fields comfortably dressed. Your hot pants and stilettos are lovely and I’m quite certain you are getting plenty of stares, but when you fall and get stuck between the bleachers you may have wished for a nice pair of yoga pants. I truly thought they were going to have to get the jaws of life out there one night.

3.  Get your little girls out on that field. Nothing is cuter than a tiny girl in a baseball uniform with a pink helmet, cleats, and bat crush one past the boys and round the bases!

4.  I would not recommend brokering real estate deals while on the toilet behind the concession stand. Props to you for being there for your kid when you are clearly busy, but the noises coming from your stall were enough to ruin even the best deal.

5.  Team moms who provide gluten free, dairy free, GMO free organic snacks and fresh fruit to the team are great. Team moms who forgot it was their night and quickly stopped by 7-11 and grabbed a dozen donuts and a twelve pack of Sprite are just as great.

6.  No disrespect to Tom Hanks…but there is crying in baseball. A lot of crying. One night a pitcher hit a batter extremely hard. While the batter was wailing in pain the pitcher began to cry uncontrollably because he felt so bad that he had hurt him. There was at least a fifteen minute delay of game while everyone got their tears dried.

7.  Umpires will call a time out if the entire outfield is doing the “I have to potty” dance.

8.  Being a coach does not give you the right to trash talk the other team. I may be short, overweight, and wearing a dress but if you trash talk my kid I’m scaling that fence.

9.  As much as you would like to think your cutie pie is a phenom bound for the Major Leagues, yelling at him throughout the entire game about how and where to stand while miming the perfect batting stance from the bleachers probably won’t add too many points to his draft number.

10. There is nothing like sitting on the bleachers surrounded by new friends all cheering for your child as they make their first out, score their first run, or help lead their team to victory.

Play ball!!

Do you have an appointment?

As a TBk (teacher before kids) I use to roll my eyes at parents who had every second of their kid’s day scheduled. I would get so frustrated when kids would come in tired and without their homework because they had played a late baseball game. Kids should just feel free to relax and be kids right? You would never see me putting my kids in any after school organizations and become an over scheduled mini-van driving soccer mom.

I am now a mother. I drive a mini-van and I haven’t been home except to sleep in over a week. How did this happen?

It all started with a baby violin. It was so cute and tiny. He could take lessons right there at his school during the school day.  Perfect!  The only thing I had to do was sit through twenty minutes a day of what sounded like a cat dying a slow and painful death squealing something about a hot dog from Mississippi. (The first song any tiny violin plays is called Mississippi Hot Dog.) The violin is now almost full size, the songs are by actual composers, and instead of a dying cat most days it sounds more like a cat with a mild immune disorder.

A year after beginning tiny violin lessons we learned that one of our good friends was going to coach little league. Being a baseball fan myself I got super excited about seeing my tiny boy in a tiny baseball uniform. I had no idea that I was committing to at least three days a week of practices and games but to see him play out there was worth every second. That was four years ago. Now I have two boys in little league and it is a five day a week commitment. Last season the big one began kid pitch. He had always been a natural but suddenly nine year olds with full beards were whipping wild balls at him at warped speed. He was slowly watching each of his team mates being battered and bruised and decided he was having none of it. I tried everything I could think of. I actually bought him a padded undershirt that made him look like a mini Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nothing seemed to help. He hit a batting slump that would last all season. We are now in pre season and I have him in private batting lessons. I didn’t know there was such a thing, but apparently you can pay a guy over $1 a minute (a good deal I’m told) to teach a kid to bat. I’m not doing it for him necessarily. I don’t care if he hits a ball or not, but if I had to hear one more obnoxious parent make a comment about an easy out, someone was going to be drinking their peanuts and cracker jacks through a straw.

Two weeks ago the big one made the robotics team. I sat through a two hour parent meeting explaining how this could lead my child to be a genius millionaire. I didn’t understand the majority of what they would be doing in this club. The programming and engineering skills they say he will use are so far out of my league. This club will apparently require weekend and holiday commitments but how could I possibly deny him the chance at becoming a genius millionaire?

So there they go. Afternoons taken up by music practice and batting lessons. Evenings at the ball field and weekends and holidays building robots. Homework and studying have become a thing we do in the car on the way to school in the morning. The kids are over tired and over scheduled and so is their mama. But they are happy so I will keep practicing, keep driving, and keep cheering, allowing them to give whatever they want to a try. Because that’s what we do. We let them dream of being in the Boston pops, the World Series, and any other dream they may have.