Headed West-Part 3-People Watching

While enjoying the great outdoors ( sometimes from the car) I noticed there were four main types of people. 

The naturalist- These are your hard core outdoorsy types.  They are dressed for the weather but prepared for anything. Their small, well worn backpack  has only the essentials like a shovel and toilet paper for their off roading adventures.  There are no need for tents (or apparently showers) for this group of hard core campers.   Hair cuts and makeup are not necessary to blend in with this crew. They are one with nature and all the natural beauty she has to offer. 

The McHiker-  This group works hard for their money and can only enjoy the outdoors with the best equipment money can buy. They have all the best brands in hiking gear and it’s all brand new as evident from the creases in their Patagonia deluxe edition cargo pants. The backpack is the biggest Camel has to offer and it is full of everything Google recommended one should pack for a day on the trails. they make sure others see them eating their recycled trail mix and have poured their Smart Water into their environmentally friendly metal water bottle. 

The Bargain Hiker- This group is ready to hit the trails but does not want to spend money to do it. Instead of buying a camping backpack, they have cleaned out one of their kids school backpacks ( Who cares if it has Sponge Bob on it?) and fills it with target brand snacks. Their hiking boots were found on a Kohl’s clearance sale and are quite certain they will be broken in by the end of the trip. Who needs hiking pants when Walmart sells such nice movable sweatpants?  You will have a jacket on and all photos will be from the waste up so fashion is no issue for this economically friendly family. (In case you were wondering, I fall into this category.)

The Unprepared Hiker- This is the group that shows up in dresses and high heels. I’m not sure if this is a date gone wrong or someone just always wanting to look their best in case the paparazzi shows up. That “Duck Face in the Mountains” selfie on Instagram is an illusive find so I’m told. #heelstuckinthemud just might start trending if it happens to enough people. 

No matter what group you find yourself in, the mountains truly a sight to behold. So go ahead and pack up your Under Armour, Faded Glory, or your Jimmy Choo’s and enjoy!

Heading West-part 2 -Technology Edition

Let’s face it–technology now runs our lives whether we like it or not. From our wake up apps in the morning to our noise machines at night, we are never far from some sort of technology. This was no exception at Yellowstone. Here are some tips on the kinds of technology you should and shouldn’t have on a vacation to the park:

GoPro- My husband traded his base line GoPro for a much better one. He then suctioned it to the top of the car and recorded most of our drives. Should make for some fascinating movie nights. 

Smart phones- The second you drive into the park all cell service disappears. This will not sink in at first and you will continue to constantly try and check all social media for the first several hours out of sheer habit. There are tiny areas where you may be lucky enough to get a bar or two, but it will not be strong enough to load anything. This will just be enough to tease you about the life outside that you are missing.  Just accept it and put the phone down. There is so much to enjoy out your window. Most people are hanging out their window snapping pictures of bison and you don’t want to be the one person hanging out the window looking for a cell signal. 

FitBit- If you are one of the millions who are out to walk your 10,000 steps a day, I highly recommend wearing your FitBit into the park. I logged 25,000 steps on Monday and am totally rocking this weeks workweek challenge!

Selfie sticks- NO!!!  Just no. 

Cameras-  I have never seen such fancy cameras in my life. Some of those lenses people had were longer than my arm and no doubt cost more than my house. If you ask one of these photographers to snap your family picture for you, I do not recommend offering to return the favor. They won’t be amused. 

iPads- Please leave these at home or in the car. They are not cameras. You are blocking an entire waterfall!

Binoculars-A must have if you want to see wild animals off in the distance.  Not necessary if you refuse to leave the car because you are afraid of being eaten by the heard of bison that are half a mile a way.

And if you happen to find an area with wifi, run in and update your blog as quickly as possible!  It may be days before you see that little rainbow at the top of your phone!

Heading West Part 1

My husband and I have sort of an unspoken agreement.  He plans all of our vacations and I just show up. I figure this is a pretty good agreement since I plan the other 360 days of the year. This year he decided we were headed west to take the boys to Yellowstone. To be honest, I didn’t know the first thing about Yellowstone including what state it was in, but being up for most anything, I agreed.  About two weeks ago, I decided I should at least have some idea of where we were going so I turned to Google for quick answers.

Discovering  that Yellowstone is in Wyoming, it dawned on me that it would probably be cold up there.  Thanks to Amazon Prime I was able to order warm things for my Florida boys and have them there in plenty of time.  It also began to dawn on me that this might not exactly be a Disney park vacation. About two weeks before we left, a family had been chased down by bears. A week before we left a lady had been gored by a bison and just a day before we left, one of our destinations had been destroyed by a rock slide. This was beginning to sound like way to much nature for my taste.  I mean….I’m all for pretty scenery but considering I was almost taken down by a goat the last time I went to a petting zoo (which by the way my husband chose to video instead of helping me), I wasn’t sure I wanted to take my chances with wild animals. The final straw for me came when hubby pulled into a Walmart on the way to the National Park. When I asked him why we were stopping he informed me he needed to buy bear deterrent. I thought he was joking. He was not. Apparently you have to carry around a giant can of bear pepper spray in case of an attack. My mind was made up. I would not be getting out of the car at all during our week in Yellowstone!

Target and the Stay at Home Mom

As a working mom, I have reserved every Sunday afternoon to run my errands.  I leave the boys at home with my husband and do my best to get a whole week’s worth of shopping and running around done in two or three hours.  My favorite stop on my weekend marathon is Super Target.  I can truly get almost anything I need from groceries to new wardrobes.

Now if  you have never been to a Super Target on a Sunday afternoon, it is pure craziness.  (Not quite to Walmart Crazy, but pretty crazy!)  Other working moms are zooming up and down the aisles with me trying to get everything they need  before their husbands call them with a crisis from home.  You can here the dings of coupon apps ringing throughout the store and you  might strike up a conversation  with someone searching for the same product to scan for that Coach purse on shopkick.  At our Target, a local boarding school brings two busloads of high schoolers in every Sunday to do their weekly shopping so you can hardly get your buggy down the ramen noodle and Dr. Pepper aisles.  Tired employees work hard to keep the shelves stocked but can’t quite seem to keep up with the demand.

Several weeks ago, I found myself home alone on a weekday.  This is an extremely rare event and I headed out to Target to try and get ahead for once.  What I found was a completely different store than the one I frequented on the weekend!  The lights seemed brighter, the employees more relaxed, and the shelves were all stocked to capacity!  You could even here the soft music playing in the background.  I was immediately intrigued.  What had I been missing out on??  I decided to explore further.

As I wondered aimlessly around the store, I realized that the store seemed to be completely filled with stay at home moms or  sahm as mommy blogs everywhere have deemed them. Now my interest was completely piqued.  What would it be like as a stay at home mom to visit target during the week?  I decided I would investigate.  I found that the moms seemed to fit into one of three categories.

#1- The New Mom-  This mom enters the store with a baby in a stroller or in a bjorn.  There are circles under her eyes and a cheerio in her hair.  She is still wearing her maternity sweats because either she can’t quite fit into her old ones or has just decided these are the most comfortable things ever.  She really isn’t there to buy anything so you tend to find this mom wondering towards the front of the store. She just needed to get out of the house.  Her baby was up multiple times during the night and her toddler has been watching Dora the Explorer for five straight hours and she is starting to forget that boots use to be stylish things she wore when she went out on Friday nights rather than some stupid purple monkey from Brazil.  She is hoping that a trip to Target will wear everyone out so that she might possibly get a nap or a shower after lunch, something she hasn’t had time for in the last several days.  I want to go and give this mom a hug.  I was this mom when I stayed home with my boys for their first few months.  I wanted to tell her it would get easier and that one day she would sleep and shower on a regular basis.  (But the maternity sweats are still super comfy!)

#2- The Mercedes Mom –  Our Target boarders an extremely wealthy part of town.  These moms show up with their Bugaboo strollers in their extra small Lululemon’s.  Their hair is smoothly up in a high perfect pony and their makeup flawless as they casually sip their no fat skinny lattes.  You find these moms in the organic food section.  Later, after their kale salad, they will drop the baby off with the nanny and head to their Spinning/Pilates fusion workout with their personal trainer Ghi.  I sigh a bit at this mom.  I know money won’t buy me happiness but extra small Lulu’s might!

#3- The Soccer Mom-  This mom has made the big time!  She has put in her time at home and now that last little one has finally entered Kindergarten!  She is free!!  This mom is either dressed in sensible workout gear from her Yoga session at the Y, or nicely dressed because she in now free to meet friends for lunch at places that don’t serve chicken fingers.  I found a lot of these moms in the home decor section.  They finally have the time to scrape the dried yogurt off the couch and may as well spruce up the place while they are at it.  Her buggy is full of picture frames and throw pillows.  She is thoroughly enjoying her quiet morning before a crazy afternoon of ballet lessons and soccer games.

As I left that day with my $250 receipt (I swear I  just went to buy toilet paper!), I let out a long sigh.  I would return Sunday and fight another mom over the last lunchable like it was the last toy on Christmas Eve.  I would stand in long lines and read OK! magazine for the latest divorce and pregnancy rumors while I waited.  And as I walked to the car, I would glance back and whisper “Someday weekday Target, someday”.

Fashion Police: Water Park Edition

Summer is coming and to tolerate the Florida heat we stay in the water as much as possible.  We are fortunate enough to have three or four amazing water parks right here in our back yard.  As much as I love floating around the lazy river all day, I think I enjoy the people watching even more.  After a visit to one of these parks last weekend, I thought I would pass on some fashion do’s and don’ts when spending a day at the park.

Do:  Wear a speedo if you are Michael Phelps swimming against the current in the lazy river for resistance training.

Don’t:  Wear a speedo if you are anyone other than Michael Phelps.  Furthermore, don’t dress your nine year old son in last year’s speedo with a highly unfortunate placement of an angry bird front and center on said speedo.   A matching swim cap that is also too small does not help this look.

Do:  Try out a nipple ring if your are in your early twenties and fronting a punk metal garage band.

Don’t:   Try a nipple ring if you are in your sixties and taking your grandkids to the park for the day.  It looks like a doctor left some type of apparatus in your chest during a medical procedure.

Do: Spend some extra time securing your weave or hair extensions before heading out for the day.

Don’t: Let a chunk of weave or extension float around the lazy river unattended when it becomes detached from your head.

Do:  Get a tattoo of your two children on your chest from the absolute best tattoo artist in the country.  Be sure you have researched, seen pictures of their work and choose the best picture possible of your babies.

Don’t: Get a tattoo of your two babies from a tattoo artist that works out of a strip mall between Old Navy and Marshall’s.  He’s more than likely not had a lot of practice with giant baby heads.  Also, you might not want to choose a picture of your crying baby dressed like a Ninja.

I hope these few words of advice help you next time you head out for the day in the sun.  And if you are already following these simple do’s, then I would suggest sitting back and enjoying the show from those that don’t.

Ten Things You May Not Know About Teachers

In honor of Teacher Appreciation Week, I thought I would share 10 things you might not know about teachers.

1.  We have a difficult time naming our children.  You know how they retire numbers in sports?  Well teachers would like to retire some names for a number of different reasons.  I threatened to name my two kids Cletus and Verbina because I knew there was a very small likelihood of teaching anyone by those names.

2.  We know a lot more about you than you think we do.  Kids talk.  They talk A LOT!  I had a little boy once ask me, “Would you please pray for my dad?  He is having surgery on his ding ding so mom can’t have any more babies.”  One year I gave my first grade class the word shot for a spelling word.  A child said “My mom drinks one of those every night.”

3.  We never stop being proud of our students.  I have been teaching twenty years and my earliest students are now grown up and are parents of their own.  I love when former students look me up on Facebook and let me know that they are graduating from med school, getting married, or share pictures of their babies.  When a teacher says he or she believes in you, they mean it and it brings us so much joy to see that our kids are achieving their dreams.

4.  We get use to not having any privacy.  The majority of professionals require an office or a quiet space in order to work.  We do not have that.  Most teachers can multitask with the best of humanity since we do everything that needs to be done while surrounded by 24 children.  Yesterday I ran to the bathroom and looked up and there were two little kindergarteners peeking through the cracks of the stall and giggling.  Have you heard the expression “A watched pot never boils”?  Well apparently a watched teacher never pees either.  These little ones may have had to go, but as long as they were playing peek-a-boo I could not go!

5.  We love our jobs and our students, but we would also enjoy some time with big people as well.  Because people know that we love kids, we get asked to teach in the children’s departments at church, to be troop leaders, VBS volunteers, etc. etc. etc.  Don’t get us wrong!  We truly adore working with kids, but we have other gifts and talents as well and we would enjoy being able to practice using big words and complete sentences on our off time.

6.  We have a vast assortment of coffee mugs with apples and teacher sayings on them.  I could open a coffee shop and not do dishes for a year with all the apple mugs I have received over the years.  Perhaps we could change the international symbol of teaching to a banana or a nice soufflé just to shake things up a bit.

7.  Sometimes we are better teachers than parents. I often sit back and wonder “How is it that I can keep 24 of your kids under control but my own two are running circles around me?”  By the same token, I am always amazed when my little one’s teacher tells me how well behaved he is at school.

8.  We believe that people who say “It must be nice to only work nine months a year” should have their recess taken away for a very long time.  We do not work nine months a year.  We spend our evenings grading papers, our weekends making lesson plans, and our summers researching new strategies.  This is not a whine or a complaint.  It’s just what we do.  We are always looking for ways to improve and learn the ever changing content that we are expected to teach.  But having said that,  I sure do enjoy sleeping late and laying by the pool some during the summers too!

9.  Kids say the darndest things.  Just the other day a student was staring at me.  I said “Honey you need to get busy.”  Their answer was, “I’m trying but you’re just so beautiful!”  However, for as many times as a student makes you feel beautiful, there are just as many that bring you back to reality.  I was teaching a little Filipino  boy once that spoke very little English.  Finally after weeks and weeks of working with him he said his first complete sentence.  “Teacher tummy bouncy like ball.”  Yep,  that was the one he went with.  Out of all the sentences he could have debuted, that was his first choice.

10.  We are truly proud to call ourselves teachers.  There are many days that I come home covered with dirty handprints from all the hugs I’ve gotten, days I am exhausted, and days I am quite certain that I don’t get paid near enough. But those same days I come home feeling full of love for my students, hope for their progress, and grateful for the honor of being called “teacher”.

Happy “Teacher Appreciation Day” for all of my fellow teachers out there!

Once Upon A Time….

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess.  The entire kingdom waited with baited breath outside the hospital for the royal stork to deliver a new heir.  Finally, at just the right moment, the stork delivered a beautiful baby princess and the kingdom rejoiced.  Throughout the day, the radiant royal mother was visited by family members, fairy hair dressers, and stylists, so that when she emerged a mere 12 hours later on the steps of the hospital, the world saw the princess with her long brown bouncy hair, high heel shoes and designer dress.  She climbed into her awaiting carriage and rode off into the sunset to her beautiful palace.

Well, once upon a time I had a little prince of my own. Twelve hours after I gave birth I was sweating buckets from all the raging hormones and clawing my face raw from the itching caused by the epidural.  Not only was I not ready to greet the public, I still couldn’t feel the lower half of my body.  The next day I was finally unhooked from all wires and tubes and managed to take a shower.  Strangely, my hairdresser failed to show up and my style consisted of finally being able to put on pajamas that didn’t show the world my backside.  Four long days later I was finally ready to greet my public.  I emerged from the hospital wearing something from the Shamu line of lounge wear accesorized with a lovely pair of flip flops since my feet were too swollen to fit into any shoes I owned.  Again, my hair dresser had failed to make an appearance. As I stood on my own porch greeting family and friends, they all oohed and aahed over my precious baby boy all while telling me how great I looked.  This opinion would be completely debunked as people continued to ask me for the next five years when I was due.

For all intents and purposes, the royal mother and I have nothing in common.  She will continue to stun her public by her beauty and fashion while I will continue to loathe anything with a waist band and wish for a miracle concealer to hide the circles that continue to grow under each eye.  But I do know that I have the most important part of the fairy tale down pat….my little family and I lived happily ever after.  The End